I hadn’t come unglued for quite some time and, I suppose, I was due. Cause when the guy in the TV ad said, “Satisfaction guaranteed. Or your money back!” … I lost it.

“If my satisfaction is guaranteed,” I shouted, “then what’s with the “or” part. A guarantee is supposed to be an absolute. It’s supposed to be without fail. There should be nothing like “or your money back” after a guarantee. All the “or” does is tell people that the guarantee really isn’t a guarantee. It weakens the whole premise of a guarantee. It waters down the very thing you’re attempting to lure your customers with!”

At this point, I realized that my sudden outburst had scared the bejesus out of the cat who plowed through the popcorn bowl on his way out of the room at Mach I. As my wife and two kids retrieved popcorn from all parts of the room, it was strongly suggested that I give the subject of guarantees some additional thought … in another room.

Fine. Here’s my admittedly philosophical thinking. Time was, a guarantee was a solemn edict that meant something. Today, it’s almost a cliche’. Let’s say you’re guaranteeing “On-time” delivery. The very nano-second your delivery is late, the guarantee is null and void — proving that your guarantee really wasn’t a guarantee. That makes you a liar.

Part of the problem with guarantees is with the wording and the fact that people are attempting to guarantee that which they have no control over.

When developing a guarantee, think in terms of what you control. I can guarantee I’ll give you your money back, ie; “If you’re not satisfied, I’ll give you your money back… guaranteed.” In this case
I’m guaranteeing I’ll give the money back. I’m not, however, guaranteeing your satisfaction.

See the difference in the way the next two are written:
1) On time delivery guaranteed - or your money back.
2) On time delivery or your money back - guaranteed.

The first one guarantees on time delivery, as though I have control over mother nature, mechanical failure and a million other things that can prevent a delivery from taking place on time and ruin my reputation. With the second, I’m guaranteeing your money back. The first may ultimately prove to be an empty promise, which discredits me and gives my client or customer no reason to believe in my “faux guarantee” in the future. The second has teeth. It’s strong. It sounds good. But most importantly, I’m guaranteeing what I will do.

If you offer a guarantee, or are in the process of developing one, read it carefully to determine exactly what it is that you’re guaranteeing. Ask yourself, “Do I have control over what I’m guaranteeing?”

You see, I can’t guarantee my family uninterrupted tv time, because apparently, I can’t control myself. And I can’t guarantee they’ll let me back in, even if I make more popcorn. But, I can offer them this, “If you let me back in, I’ll make more popcorn. Guaranteed!

Stumble it!